Relational Talk with Your Kids

 As a school counsellor, I have worked with many parents to help them own their power as parents and connect with their teenagers.  Many times, parents come to me to "fix" their teen and "solve" their teen's problems.  They ask me to talk to them and tell them what they should be doing.  This is really an outdated and ineffective way of dealing with our kids.  Instead, we should be practicing relational parenting.  This style of parenting feels good and is much more effective in getting our kids to feel supported and to make good decisions.

For many parents, it is difficult to remember to be relational because we get caught up in fear. Our fear stops us from really hearing our kids. If we want to be effective parents, we need to focus on loving our children and not on the fear we feel.  Here is a simple way to build relationship, problem solve with your child, and reduce our fears.  It's call Ask, Listen, Question, and Respond.

1. ASK

Ask your child about what you are worrying about.  Be genuine and honest.  Let's say you are worried about your teenager being in his room all the time and not connecting at home.  Ask, "Son, I noticed that you are in your room a lot lately.  Is there anything wrong?"  If your child is connected with you and knows that you loved him/her, most likely the response will be open and honest.  If, however, your child does not feel safe with you, your son/daughter will not answer honestly.  In this case, you will need to work on building connection.  

2. LISTEN

Actively listen to what your son/daughter says.  Hear the emotion so you really understand where they are coming from.  For example, if your teen says, "Oh, I have a lot of homework lately and I need to get everything done." Then you could reply with a relational comment such as, "You must be feeling overwhelmed.    This statement tells your teen that you heard them, you understand and you are there for him/her.  Many teens will refuse to communicate if they feel their parents are judging them or not hearing them.

3. QUESTION

As parents, we want to model problem solving.  So if you are worried about their disengagement at home (aka too much time spent in their room) and your teen tells you that he/she is feeling overwhelmed with school work, you can question:

What are you working on?  How can I help?  This kind of questioning conveys a message of caring and wanting to help problem solve.

4. RESPOND

Responding is hearing your child and conveying a message of love and support.  Using the same example, you can respond with, "I miss seeing you and I am happy to help in any way I can."  Your teen will hear that you are missing time with him/her and that you want to be supportive.

Most of us did not grow up with relational parents so it will feel strange at first.  However, using this model of communicating with your child/teenager will build relationship and help your child feel valued, supported, and loved.



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